Pressure within

Ever had that feeling that there is something mighty wrong?  It nags you, gnaws at you and it’s frustrating cause you have absolutely no idea of the why.  This is really odd, but for the past week this feeling has been going on and off. 

Watched Hancock with Bella today.   Was feeling quite alright, but when we got home, the feeling was there, and it was intense.  Must be paranoia.  

It could be a hangover.  Was at my parent’s house yesterday to celebrate my dad’s birthday.  Had quite a lot to drink and of course the relatives all wanted to  know how I was doing.  I guess, what bothered me was the pressure to push through with the annulment and the fact that I have to dip myself into the muck that has been a nightmare to me since 2005.  I have just begun to get a normal life once again, and I’m enjoying myself too much that I don’t wish to tip the status quo.  I know what I need to do, it is someting that needs to be addressed and if not will bite me in the ass sooner or later.  But I don’t know if I have the necessary strength to go through with it.  Plus the fact, that I’m not totally sure how this will affect the kids.  

A month ago, Bella and I were in Galleria, when she said that one of ex’s uncles told her that he saw me going inside the mall with another girl when they passed by.  Totally untrue of course, I’ve never dated anyone in Galleria and fuckin’ a!……I’ll be damned if they will demonize me to my own daughter.  How dare they pass the sins of their niece to me.  Sheesh, what a twisted sense of logic.  

Talked to my lawyer and she said that we can probably meet with ex and start drawing lines of what not to cross.  Sure we could do that, problem is will they be respected?  Yes, I am man enough to follow the agreement, but when you are dealing with someone as scheming and underhanded as ex……I’m sure she will cross it over and over again.   

I have in the past told her that our conversations must be limited to the kids.  Lo and behold, she texts me every freakin day telling me about what Iñigo has been doing and what he’s been up to. She will disguise it under the fact that she is keeping me informed of how my son is growing up, but I can’t help but feel that she is taking advantage of my love for the kids.  Another example is when the kids are with me, she will text asking how they are.  To her credit, she did buy Bella a sun sim card, but hell I think she expects me to load it.  Why should I? I have the landline at home and Bella can call me anytime she wants.  It would be an unnecessary expense on my part and besides, she’s the one who doesn’t have a landline at their house so I think the burden should fall on her shoulders to load it. 

I’ve no wish to communicate with her and believe me there are times that I will receive five messages from her in a day.  Most of the time I ignore them, but how do you do that when she is telling you how the buttboy is currently dancing in front of the tv with his butt showing.  Or how he is making a mess of his face while eating cake. 

What’s sick about this is that I will have to learn to accept that she will always be a part of our lives.  She can’t be erased from my past all for the sake of the kids.   I told my relatives that I am a very patient man, and it takes a busload of crap to get me all riled up.  I haven’t reached that point yet, but I do know I am getting there one way or another.  I believe that if I find out that Bella has been lying on her order one more time, I will confront her and tell her that maybe Bella should already know about the truth of why our marriage failed.  It will crush the little girl, but I will not be made out into the bad guy in all of this. 

Oh well, I guess, this is what’s bothering me, for now I somehow feel relieved that I have written it down and gotten it out of my chest.  

Godamnit! I really fuckin’ hate this.  There is a fear to relive the past and it’s something that I need to face for my kids.  Otherwise, these issues will never be settled and will keep on haunting us over and over again.  

Sigh…..sometimes it sucks to be a parent.